Everyone needs a support system, family, friends, and colleagues, no matter what. During tough times it’s beneficial to know that you have someone in your corner. Someone that cares enough to help you heal and succeed in life. I was very selective with who I went to for advice throughout this process.

In this climate, the divorce rate is remarkably high, and for military couples, it seems to be a bit more challenging to prevent. Still, many of us don’t know who to talk to about this situation. Of course, you don’t think this will ever happen to you, so there is no plan. I wanted to reach out to those close to me; family and friends are always a good option. You will need people who have your best interest at heart and for your spouse as well. The best scenario would be to talk to those without bias or who feel the need to pick sides and give sounding advice while providing emotional support.

However, this will always be tough. Everyone will see the pain and desperation, frustration, and anger, making it hard to understand the spouse wanting the divorce. Most people will adapt and be the strength you need until you can find it from within. Eventually, you will know who to confide in; you will know things you want to hear vs. what you need to hear — also learning what would ultimately become your triggers or setbacks.

Some conversations will be off-limits to some. Many realize that this is a touchy subject but don’t know how to approach it. Divorce, to some, is like a death in the family. You feel as though your whole life came crashing down with you standing in the center.

Due to this process, I compiled a list of DOs and Don’ts when trying to be someone’s support system. No matter the circumstances, a loss is hard, and many of us want to help and don’t know how to.

Do’s and Don’t for the supporter

Don’t ask what happened.

Especially in the beginning, the wounds are still fresh. They, too, are processing and figuring out what’s happening themselves. Regardless of who requested the divorce, it remains challenging. An answer to this magnitude is complicated; they might be fully aware of the why but are still processing it. Therefore, they cannot articulate without vulnerability or guilt in their response.

Do ask them if they are ready to talk about it.

You want them to open up and express what’s happening on their own. One can only begin to discuss during the healing process, not in the beginning stages. In my experience, you are still trying to understand what you are experiencing. I was angry, hurt, and in denial. I could only relay the information I was giving or what I thought at the time, but the exact reason would not present itself with a foggy mind.

Please don’t make it about you.

Even if you know what the person is going through, these feelings are new to them. The only thing they are thinking about is themselves and deserve the right to be selfish. Hearing about your experience might be minor initially, and unless you have ever been divorced or separated from someone who promised you forever, you wouldn’t understand. Although your feelings and situation could be relevant, valid, and sincere, they need you to listen.

Don’t judge them for acting out.

Divorce is indeed a process and growing experience; everyone acts out differently. If your family or friend has started partying, hanging out with different people, or even picking up some activities, they wouldn’t typically support them. As long as the process is not harmful, i.e., excessive drinking, drugs, downward spiral, etc., at the moment, they are finding new ways to process while discovering a new life. Adults need to learn to be more rebellious against the rules we create for ourselves to grow more positive values.

Don’t say I’m sorry

It’s the hardest thing to hear from anyone that’s not your partner. Instead, sympathize and ask what I can do to help? How can I help you survive this?

Do tell them why you are proud of them.

Continue to reassure them that the relationship is not the end. The accomplishments they have achieved or will achieve are their real purpose, and that love will come again in many forms. Amid the pain, we forget our self-worth. Remind them what is pivotal and will become the focal point throughout this transition.

Do help them create a life/spirit plan.

My best friend would always say to me, “regardless of the outcome, what do you want to do for yourself?” Focus on things they like to do? Remind them of the plans they had before the hurt took over. Ask them what’s going to make you happy? How can you achieve it alone? Begin working on something productive to repurpose their energy. While they are healing, both of you will be growing.

Do give them alone time…. but check-ins are a must……

Do get them out of the house.

Alone time is great, but too much can bring about the wrong emotion that can linger longer than needed. During that time, I Binge-watch more TV than I have in my entire life. Work was the only distraction when I wasn’t watching TV or sleeping until I decided to share what was happening. It was a non-functional routine, and productivity was necessary. Suggest taking a walk in the park as a simple start to getting rid of unwanted emotions.

Do stick to stress relief conversations or activities.

These are your family and friends, you know them, have regular conversations about life as you would. It’s a much-needed distraction, and getting them to laugh and smile is always a win!

Do Let them Grieve!

Grief is a necessary process for everyone at some point and time in life. Everyone grieves differently. This list is not universal, also not for everyone. The best thing you can do is talk to your loved ones and take it one day at a time. We are all equipped to handle tough times, some are mentally stronger and can get through it alone, but you don’t have to. Even the strongest people break, and the village and community are needed. Remember, you are never alone, and support is infinite; everyone is a stranger until they become your friend. Now is the time to open up to heal.